I, Iron Man

The Iron Man Armor MK I was a suit of armor designed by Tony Stark after he was captured by Al-Qaeda. This armor was used to blow up all of the terrorists and allow Stark to escape. It was also supposed to double as a bathroom for Stark while he was in captivity, but he peed in it before it was finished, ruining the bathroom feature and permanently marking the armor as his territory.


After Stark was captured, he was instructed to build a bomb powerful enough to "make people go boom". Stark, being the exceptionally crafty idiot that he is, told the terrorists that of course he was going to make a bomb! He would only need some basic parts that you find in every bomb, such as various weapons and metal that he could craft into human shapes.

The terrorists were happy he decided to cooperate, and they gave him everything he asked for. They were understandably surprised when he busted out of his cave wearing a suit of armor outfitted with weapons. They were even more surprised when he actually shot the weapons at them. They were so surprised, they didn't even try to fight back. Iron Man destroyed them all and declared himself even more awesome than he was before.

After defeating the terrorists, he realized the suit smelled like pee. Deciding that was not befitting of a billionaire, he stripped out of the suit so he was just in his boxers, leaving the suit behind forever. When the rescue crews arrived, they refused to save him until he put on some pants. Not having any pants, he told the rescue crews to go jump in a ditch and he walked back to America all by himself.

The suit was later found by Obadiah Stane, who then converted it into his own armor. He used it to battle Iron Man, and then Iron Man shot Stane. The armor later blew up in an unrelated explosion of a banana factory.


  • Jets: Stark had super-glued some jets to the feet of the armor. Unfortunately, the jets were designed for cats and dogs (long story), and were only able to get Stark 0.96128 inches (or about two nanometers) off of the ground before they exploded.
  • Machine Gun: Stark implemented a machine gun into the Iron Man armor. He forgot to include ammo, however, and it was never actually fired.
  • Flamethrower: The Iron Man armor utilized a crudely built flamethrower that, believe it or not, threw flame. Except it never actually threw any flame because Tony forgot to fill it with fuel.
  • Rocket Launcher: A wrist-mounted rocket launcher was added to the suit. The only problem was that it didn't launch the rockets: it just kind of dropped them at Tony's feet. For this reason, it was not used during his escape.
  • Augmented Strength: When used correctly, the suit could increase the user's strength a hundred times over. However, Tony threw out his back when first attempting to test this feature, and it was never used after that.
  • Incredible Durability: The suit is capable of withstanding tremendous damage, everywhere from gunshots to missiles. The only problem is that at the last minute, Stark replaced the inner layer with plastic, meaning that the only iron on the suit was a thin sheet that wouldn't be able to stop a cuddly bunny rabbit.
  • Pea Shooter: As a joke, Stark decided to include a pea shooter as one of his weapons. After all of his other weapons failed for one reason or another, he was forced to kill all of the terrorists with peas. Using this device, he successfully escaped from the terrorists.